Dear Diary
by ALCzysz17
Summary: Botan's POV...just an entry in a diary...sad and depressing...


**Well I just decided to write a oneshot out of boredom and I really feel a bit depressed as of lately...life just isn't going my way right now...but hey like it matters all that matters right now is the one-shot...heh heh...weak attempt I know...anyways please read and please review...if you really feel the story and can compare it to you then it would be nice to get a review from ya...here ya go...**

**I don't own Yu yu hakusho...what is life but the pain we live?...**

**Summary: Botan's POV, just a entry to a diary...**

**Dear Diary,**

_Dear Diary,_

_Hello...it's me, Botan as always...today has gone fine...new mission and all nothing really new about it though...heh, heh...who am I fooling? Today was the most horrible day of my entire life, well after life. My heart aches from what happened. How it happened. And what he said. As you always know I have that silly little crush on Hiei...Yes silly indeed. It was basically normal for the mission beat up ugly demons who tried or have killed some humans which is against the law in Spirit World._

_Well I stood by and watched the fight go on. Yusuke using his spirit gun, shot-gun, and other special abilities. Kuwabara with his spirit sword as Kurama his rose whip and then Hiei with his sword plus the Dragon of the Darkness Flame. They fought with such grace and talent that I found myself being jealous of it. Yes I can fight but no where to the degree that they can. The wind blow by nicely and I sat on my oar and watched them kick butt._

_Well it was mostly Hiei I watched but I would glance at the other boys if not a slight swift in my eyes. I remember the fight so clearly. Hiei swinging his sword with such speed and grace. I always fall into a trance when I watch him, but who couldn't stop watching him. It's pretty hard not too. But that seemed to be my down fall as well. I saw Hiei take a quick look at me and I felt my heart skip a beat. His red eyes were so beautiful yet full my torment and pain._

_As quickly as he looked he was back at fighting. I smiled to myself since I thought it was a friendly geesure, but in reality outside my world of love and devotion. It didn't even mean a thing. Hiei was quick with the demons he fought, he didn't put them through long, pain but fast deaths. Yusuke and the others seemed to be done with the other demons they fought too. _

_I slowly flew down to them with a smile. Kuwabara gave me back a full smile though I never really noticed it since I had my eyes mainly on Hiei. Yusuke whined about how easy it was and stupid that they had to do such a easy job. Yet again, I wasn't even paying him attention only to Hiei. I then said I would go and tell Koenma of the job that was done and I said my good-byes to the boys._

_As everyone left and I was about to leave, but Hiei called me. I thought nothing of it, well since he did call me 'girl' so it usually meant something that was...well nothing. I walked over to him with a light smile. I still think its funny that he might be so deadly yet he was short. I asked him what he wanted. Though now I really wished I hadn't. He acted all cool about it, weirdly asking me if I enjoyed the fight from a birds eye view. I just nodded and watched his every move._

_He then smirked at me so I smiled at him, not really knowing what was hidden behind that smirk. He then casually asked if I enjoyed his fight. I said yes and narrowed my eyes at him. It only seemed to amuse him though. Hiei then. Well he then scowled at me. Asked if I found him amusing at all. I told him that I thought he was amazing fighter and his fights just catch my interest more._

_He then said that it annoyed him to have me watch his every move. I told him sorry but he cut me off. Saying that I was the most annoying thing ever. He glared at me and said that I should watch Kurama or something that he hated my pink eyes on him. I yet again tried to say sorry but he wouldn't listen. My heart was starting to get painfully tight from his words. He then told me that I didn't matter to him, that he didn't even like me as a friend._

_I felt my eyes start to water up. He said that he noticed me always looking at him and read my mind a few times when I didn't notice. He said my love for him was stupid. Love was for the weak minded. For people who didn't have lives. I started tearing up even more and as he saw this he just smirked apparently enjoying my pain and torture._

_He said that I would never be loved for what I was...that I didn't matter, that I didn't even exist...it hurt so much from hearing it even worst from hearing it by him. The demon I fell in love with, the demon I felt feelings for since I...I don't even remember when I started to like him. He threw more harsh words at me that made me cry. Why was he acting like that? Is he really that heartless?...What does it matter now?...He doesn't like me, he never did? Why do I always do this to myself?...Always getting myself hurt, upset, and in pain..._

_He's right though. Who would love a ferry girl like me? Someone who really isn't even there? I don't matter, if not for Koenma I wouldn't even be here...Well after he told me all this stuff and broke my heart into so many sharp pieces. He left while I fell into the dirt as I held my shaking body... He is right too... I'm all alone. I will never have someone by my side. It really is a matter of time before old age catches on with my friends and they'll be gone..._

_What's the point in me being here? Just to bring souls to the after life. I have no real purpose like everyone else has... I have no real meaning to live yet I'm not even alive either.. Please tell me my purpose in this world? Is it to be here ferrying souls or is there something else? Something that only I can do?...haha...There I go again dreaming of something that will never happen..._

_I guess now I just wasted a few pieces of paper writing down my worthless life. Heck I'm even talking to myself basically. Cause even if someone read this it wouldn't matter... Cause at the end of the day...I'll still be nothing anyways..._

_Good-bye, I guess..._

_Botan_

**Living a life that isn't real,**

**acting like I have the time to deal,**

**hurting cause I now know the truth,**

**it was always there. My only prove,**

**he is right for all he had said,**

**cause at the end of the day,**

**I'll still be dead...**

**Just a little poem that goes along with the one-shot...it really kind of reflected my feelings in the one-shot and poem...right now I just feel really worthless and all... pretty much depressed...so if you read this...hope you review...**

**TearsofSadness17**


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